Living with major depression - Searching for someone who understands to share with

hey, dont give up. ive lost a lot to suicide and i can tell you that you arent taking the pain away, youre giving it to those who care about you. its a mindset that is difficult to have but it starts with finding people you can call close friends. its the first step on a long journey back to healing but it is well worth it. i have faith that you will be happy again some day.

i wish you the best of luck,

alex

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for hmm I'd say at least 6 years. I am 25 I have been addicted to drugs that I tried to ease this with. Proud to say I'm no longer a drug abuser. But a few years ago I was medicated for this but I only stayed on the pills like 3 months and stopped taking them. My mother passed the anxiety and depression down. She is medicated but she doesnt take them like she should either. I guess I'm just looking for people having the same issues as me.. people who relate to the same things. I'm about to be getting married but I dont think he k owns really how bad it is. He knows everything but I fear it isn't going to work because of my crazy. It had already caused issues in the past. Also have anger issues bad.

 I have been living with depression for 40+ years.  I have tried many different anti-depressant, and add-ons,but nothing helps me.  I tried ketamine treatments with no luck, and I just finished 36 TMS (Transcranial magnetic stimulation) but again no success.  I’ve thought about ECT (Electroconvulsive Therapy) and that is a bit scary.

I spend most of my days in bed.  I will order food from the grocery store because it is too much work to drive there and shop myself. I somehow managed the 40 minute drive for all the TMS sessions but then came home and back to bed.  Here I am retired but not enjoying it.  Florida has legalized Medical Marijuana but I’m not sure if that would work either.  I was told CBD oil wouldn’t. I just found this group and I hope I can help other members as well as sharing.

@Rosebgyrl  I understand how alone you feel.  It must seem like everyone is living a life while you hide away in bed.  Only people that live with depression can truly understand how others feel.  And I do understand. I'm glad to hear that suicide is "off the books, " but you also need to live for yourself.  Have you contacted a doctor?  Are you on medication(s)?  Please don't suffer alone....reach out to your doctor and be totally honest about how bad you feel.  Please continue to write on this site and I will look for you here.

Hello there everyone.  I can say that I understand what you all are saying about depression and trying to live with it.

My precious husband of 33 years passed away, from ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease), five & one half  years ago!  I was depressed for 10 years before his passing, because of taking full-time care of him with his very limiting physical disabilities and knowing that sooner instead of later I would be loosing the love of my life.  (I've known him for 42 years).  But after his left me, the depression double in severity.  I having been taking Wilburton since not long after his death.  But I don't see much difference  in depression or the quality of life.  I also don't want to get out of bed.  But I have a mentally challenged adult daughter who I have to be here for-as well as my fur-babies.  I feel like I am dragging all day, don't sleep well at night and am physically & mentally exhausted all day all the time.  I do a lot of hiding, as much as I can, at home.  I don't desire to go out and be active, would probably become a recluse if it were not for my daughter & pets.  I use Wal-Mart grocery pick-up so that I don't have to go into the store to get groceries.  I no longer care to do anything that use to make me happy or that I enjoyed.  All that I really want to do is sleep & sit in front of the TV. I went to a psychologist for almost a year, but that was not successful at all.  He was nice & a good listener, but it didn't help me at all.  He kept saying that I needed to get out and back into life.  Well, my mentally challenged daughter's needs makes me get out and do things, and I did give a try of going and getting a volunteer job.  I quit the job after 2 months, as it seemed to be making me even more depressed.  And all the things that I have to do for my sweet daughter makes me get out & interact with people.  So I am getting out and doing things, even though I don't WANT to.  But none if it has made me feel any better.  I am hoping that in the near future I will start feeling better.  But, judging from the recent past, I don't see that happening. 

Loneliness is overwhelming

Without going into my whole story here, my comment is that I have been to doctor after doctor and no one has helped and not one of them was caring. I was even extremely open and honest letting them know I was suicidal and was self harming and I would get responses like, “Well we can get you an appointment in 8 weeks.” I even had 1 doctor say to me "the help you want doesn't exist. I can give you more pills". The next doctor was so cold that the session was an interview. No care, only judgement after judgement. He even ended up literally getting mad at me because I didn't have an accurate full record of every medication and every side effect I experienced over the last 30 years. I left feeling even worse. So I tried the next doctor, and the next, and self help books and exercise, and reaching out in every direction. Nothing has worked. As I have been reaching out to spaces like this, chat and support groups, the answer is always “don't keep it to yourself, reach out for help". Well, what if you have done that in every way possible and still have nothing and no where to turn?

It is insanely lonely. I have isolated myself for as long as I can remember. I have a good job and 2 great kids. The marriage was terribly dysfunctional, but even when it was good, I was depressed. You ask yourself how can I be depressed. I had a good job the family and everything. It is only now that I have truly faced up to it. I don't know how I am going to fix it, there is so much that triggers my depression and feelings of worthlessness. My kids are the reason I get out of bed each day to fight. I have had 4 failed attempts at taking my own life. But have never tried since I had children. I deliberately never had close friends as that would involve letting down my guard and exposing what I see as a weakness. I am working to change my outlook. I have opened up to my family (Not ex wife or children) hardest thing I have ever had to do. Therapist I am working with is telling me to train my mind to think differently. Easier said then done I know. But we need to stop thinking that others think that we are worthless. I am embarrassed being depressed, and would be uncomfortable with pity and people knowing my real feelings. It would increase my paranoia and need to evaluate what people are thinking about me. Instead of picking out our insecurities and using them against us, assuming that others see the same things we do. My family is back in the UK, so have no part in my life other than phone calls and texts. Facing them I think would have been more difficult otherwise. Baby steps. Who knows how long this moment of positivity will last, but unless I change the way I judge myself, and stop hiding from everyone, I can't see it getting any better. I only see a life of solitude, which only makes the feelings worse.

I feel like I can't breathe. The pain in my chest is unbearable and won't go away. I have spent the last 6 days, every minute of those 6 days, coping with a huge dramatic loss of everything that made me me. I have tried everything to refocus. My head won't stop spinning. Flashes of mistakes I've made or happy memories that I now have lost will not stop. I think that I manifested and sabotaged all the good things that I have spent building over the last few years when I went through this same thing 3 years ago. And after not having any friends my whole life, 3 years ago I met someone who, despite my efforts to keep my guard up, took me in, encouraged me, supported me, taught me about standing up for myself and having boundaries and helped me grow, supported me, complimented me all the time. 6 months ago she just stopped talking to me and I couldn't figure out what was going on. Long story short, because I worked with her and she's best friends with my boss, one thing led to another and I just lost the job that I love- the job that I was so good at- the job and life that was me new start- along with her friendship and all the other friends I thought I had there who now won't speak to me. I'm driving everybody crazy including my dog who doesn't even want to be around me. I feel sick to my stomach, my heart aches, my head won't stop spinning, and no matter what I do I can't seem to pull myself out of this.

I’m feeling so overwhelmed right now. I have battled depression for over 30 years and it has been an exhausting ride. As I get older it seems like I struggle more. I have been told that I have a poker face because I have been able to wear my mask well to cover up my true feeling and struggles. It seems as tough everyone in my circle to include family and friends turn to me to release their feelings but yet I keep EVERYTHING to myself because I don’t want people to see the real me. They all depend on me and how can I let them down? Everyday has become a struggle. The tragedy and stress that I’m continuously faced with along with the dependency of my family is way to much for me right now. Feeling lost and out of place.