Don't know how or why

I'd like to remain Anonymous just because i don't want this too be found one day under my name. I've struggled with depression for a while just from growing up having a very mixed childhood, we were wealthy so I had what I wanted all through my childhood, I had a great connection with my father until him and my mother started drinking and spending less time at home, the drinking was bad for my father because he had a rough childhood watching his father and brother drown with a non-present mother, he was too young too help them and got discovered by some people on the beach all alone and crying (60 years later family friends with those people still). He was a great man could achieve anything he put his mind too, although he thought low of his self all his life. So when the drinking started things went south and he got fired and got really depressed, anti-depressants made him worse. Coming home from a family members wedding (Two days before my birthday turning 11) I came home with my mom and we had a weird gut feeling and i ran out back and saw him laying down thinking nothing of it until i spotted a gun. I didn't even react but my mom was shaking and could barely walk so i took care of her best I could, and from the time i sat in a car with my mom crying till the funeral I was in shock and I mentally blocked out that time period. I just don't know how to process it or how I even feel.