Not diagnosed - Depression

Hello. 

Ive been looking for a place to talk about my feelings and let my thoughts out and reddit but the places I tried didn’t seem to be too helpful, hopefully this can help at least a little. 

So I’ve noticed recently that I’ve gotten to be very unmotivated. Cleaning my room, looking for things that would benefit my future.. or just simply anything that has to do with me doing anything that even the slightest of being active, sometimes even getting out of bed to walk to the shower. 

Overall I’ve had a good life. I had a job during a global pandemic, an amazing supportive and loving boyfriend, being surrounded by family that always expresses their love. I’ve really had life the easy way compared to others. Besides all of that, my grandma got diagnosed with lung cancer four months ago and long story short it has gotten into her brain and she wasn’t doing too well so I began taking care of her. My boyfriend and family are really my only source of happiness. When I’m alone I am constantly feeling lonely and hate doing things without my boyfriend or hate my boyfriend doing things without me. 

I can be selfish I suppose, I feel lonely when he’s not on the phone with me, working, or out to eat with family. For 2-3 years he spent 24/7 with me but once we became considered adults our time together started to minimize and it seems to just be getting harder and harder, especially because we are 2,000+ miles away from each other. My boyfriend is very self motivated and seems to be pretty prepared for adulting and of course wants the best for himself and his family, and our future family.. so he works hard and spends a lot of time learning and pursuing his dreams. 

I don’t look forward to benefiting myself unless it’s benefiting my family or my boyfriend. I don’t really get excited about things anymore unless it’s involving someone I love. When I’m around family I guess I get in a “zone” and feel completely different from when I’m by myself. I just always feel so alone when I’m alone, makes sense right? I don’t remember feeling this way years ago or months ago. Months ago I was so excited to work and figure out what I wanted to do with my life. 

Now, months later; I just don’t know what I want to do, I feel lost and unmotivated. I don’t really seem to have interested in the activities that I used to, I used to have a “passion” for makeup but now I don’t really have the motivation to even pick up anything that has to do with makeup. I get easily irritated, it’s hard to concentrate and I always forget what I’m talking about. 

I don’t really know what’s going on or “what’s wrong with me” but I’m at the point where I’m just clueless and am confused on how I’m feeling because I’m always told that I’m the light of the room or the source of someone else’s happiness.. It's just all so confusing. 

Im not writing all this for sympathy, or for someone to “diagnose” me. Just want to vent and know that my feelings are understood and not necessarily relatable because I know feeling like this sucks.. But it’s just nice to let this out. 

:)