Do you ever have a hard time looking at yourself in the mirror?

I started having episodes of mixed mania and depression over the last year about every other weekend after many years "handling" things fairly well. (I was diagnosed with bipolar 25 years ago! I am a woman pushing 70) One of those times I was so out of my head, I chased my husband around the yard with a kitchen knife. Another time, I put half of my pills in my mouth and threatened to swallow them. I blamed him for triggering and provoking me. He accused me of being just plain hateful, and of not really "doing the work."--that I should really look at myself. I have been with this man for 27 years and he has always been loyal and has stood by me through the good times and bad, and all the craziness. He knows how hard I have tried: going to half a dozen different psychiatrists, going to talk therapy, taking many different kinds of medication, read every kind of self-help book, introspection, journaling, meditation, prayer, regular exercise, tai chi. I felt ashamed about how I was behaving lately and ruining what should be the best times of our lives, retired, in decent health, financially secure. It was more than insulting to me that he would accuse me of not having "done the work," of being just plain hateful. Yes, he stayed with me, but I stayed by him, too. He is not perfect by any means. He has a lot of bad habits; smoking, junk food, couch sitting watching TV most of the day with a laptop on his lap or his face in his phone, leaving a mess everywhere. And drinking. So what had been going on with me? I (and he) forgot that bipolar is a "real" physical illness and is nothing to be ashamed of anymore than having cancer is. It is a disease of an imbalance of neurotransmitters. We have, since knowing each other been going to the neighborhood bar on the weekends practically since I met him--it was our social life with friends. Even though I was on a maintenance dose of bipolar meds, and they tell you should not use alcohol, I pretty much ignored that, and drank with little difference to my condition--until lately. As I said, My episodes are primarily on the weekends and I am almost 70. The older you get the less tolerance your body has for alcohol and it washes out the effectiveness of your med. That and the stess of living through the pandemic, and big life changes (my mother passed, and I retired)...To put it diplomatically, it  turned me into a raving, old drunk with a hair trigger temper. I made the hard decision to stop drinking (not a drop in the last 21 days). I feel awesome emotionally and physically, and the bonus is he won't drink without me, so he is sober, too. I hope it lasts.