Everything is useless

Hi @Abb123

How are you doing today?

I'm sorry to hear you feel alone as you deal with your family challenges. I think people don't always know how to offer advice while dealing other people's families. It is always complicated and we need to handle situations carefully. You will certainly not always be alone, no one is. People will come into your life, you have to be ready to accept them and let them go when they are bringing you down.

I will tag a few other Carenity members, perhaps they will be able to offer some advice: @Lashaun35 @Maddogcrackah @Cadenbriggs @Marmateo @babygirl6640 @Jlmag! @allyc10 @andrewbabb1992 @Mammabear85 @Vodkafly @Schevi36 @Aprilpresnell @SierraLS9 @Xogvid @Msp.sg21 @emilylflores @Rachel_nicole24 @misand @mandi.e @Val0905 @Julie2022 @jalemarie @shamianirie @TyraJ. @love44 @Kingston @FellixTry @VDHayward @Justinchad310 @charding8290 @Tescott1981 @chais18a @gmlamb @amscott11 @KZDavis8 @Jacjoslog

What advice can you provide @Abb123? Have you experienced a similar situation? Do you also have family issues? How do you deal?

Take care,

Lizzi from the Carenity team

I can relate. I spent much of my youth trying to distract myself or learn how to be “better.” And then I met this therapist who taught me about acceptance. I’m on my way to being better. I have complex ptsd which is insanely difficult to manage and I’ve learned that healing is not a straight line. Mostly it looks like ups and downs and side steps but always, I’m further along than I was in the beginning. It’s hard, and it’s hard to find people who will listen and just let your feelings and issues exist. In my experience, family members were not able to understand because they had never grown to heal from trauma themselves and they were too close to me. Either they were part of the problem that created the cptsd or they saw the problem and did nothing about it. I e learned that regardless of what our life experience looks like at home, our brain is drawn to the same time of people we’ve always known (our parents/siblings/etc) because our brain identifies safety as things that are familiar. Learning this was a game changer for me. I started seeing things in others that reminded me of my family members and then decided that those people were not the ones I’d ask to be in my support system, no matter how much it seemed like they cared about me. It’s the people who were different thst I spent time getting to know and eventually grew to trust with my story. We are all deserving of support and there are people out there who will care and listen.

*****Trigger Warning ******

Right now, my mother is in ICU in another state. With her is my dad of course, and also someone else who has tried to drown me, who’s hands once squeezed around my throat so hard that I had bruises to cover, and more. He was wildly abusive to me growing up and the people who knew did not protect me or teach me how to cope with those experiences. He’s there and my life is more manageable with zero contact with this person because he still doesn’t acknowledge what he’s done or how his actions impacted me and to him I’m the bad guy because he’s not allowed to spend time with my children. Other family members are there also. Spending time with all of them is very isolating because they know of some of the bigger events and have always been drawn to his charismatic attitude and forgiveness to them lacks boundaries thst keep me safe so I just haven’t visited. Mom is going to be okay, at least it seems like she is. If she takes a turn I’ll go up there but right now it’s very difficult to be nearly two thousand miles from her. She lives here and this emergency happened while she was vacationing with these people. I’m usually the one by her bedside when she’s in the hospital. I’m there advocating for her and reading to her and letting her know she’s not alone. She’s been sick basically my entire life but these last few years have been especially hard.

I have people in my life who know all these details and are supportive. I have cried with them, prayed with them, and they have offered practical help for me as well. I have someone I trust to care for my children should I go, and to help me navigate bringing them with me and pulling them out of school should I take that route. These are friends. The reality is, it might not get better. Neither of them have told me this but they haven’t told me it’s going to be okay either. They don’t shut the conversation down by trying to fix what’s hard because hard things sometimes can’t be fixed. They’re just sitting with me in all of this and there are people out there who can do this for you as well. Look for those who seem kind but make you feel a little stand off ish. Look for green flags. For me they always felt threatening because who could possibly be so kind and generous and not want something in return but people exist like that. Their actions match their words. Test the waters by giving them small bits of information at a time and see how they respond.

im nearly 40 and it took me way too long to learn this. For years my therapists were my only confidents. Life is better with real friends. I hope you stick around long enough to find some.