Living with CPTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder: Sharing my story

 Hi. Im new here. I have Dissociative Identity Disorder & Severe CPTSD. The depression can become unbearable. It's probably the hardest thing, Ive ever had to deal with.  When things get tough, that's usually when dissociation happens. Its the nature of the disease. It is "the" reason dissociation happens. It's not a choice. You reach a level of stress and youre there one second and gone the next.  I was the victim of early, repeated childhood abuse, and was groomed for multiple years before being molested at the age of 11; the weekend before my birthday 12th birthday. My life was never the same again. It pushed my mind to an all new level. Somehow, I managed to survive that, most likely due to the survival workings of the disease itself. I'd later go on in life at the age of 20, and in a period of 6 weeks, experience swimming  out of a flood alone, with my 2 year old while pregnant, and then lose the baby, when he was 21 days old from a heart defect, followed by the death of my father-in-law,  3 weeks later. Again, I was shattered. I somehow survived the tragedy again, only to be followed up with another tragedy 20 years later; being apart of and witnessing the clean up my nephews suicide. See, the thing no one talks about, is that the police do not do that part. But, I felt there was no way I could let my oldest son, (who insisted on doing it out of love) go alone, nor let my sister bear that pain. So, you do what you have to do. Again, I broke, and I knew at that moment, Id never be the same again. Turn the clock forward several years and along came the diagnosis of CPTSD. Now, It was less than 6 months ago, when I dissociated for 4+ hours during a CPTSD attack. Suddenly I was a 12 year old, scared girl. Although my body was that of a 49 year old. I was terrified to learn this at first. Although, I myself had always known something was different about me, and I kept losing time. D.I.D. happens before the age of 9 usually. Mine was around 4. Its an illness, thats main objective is to stay hidden.  Well.. theyre not secret anymore lol So, I want you to know, that anyone that may have this, that I know your pain. I fight it daily. I rarely go outside or near people at all for that matter.. for fear of the unknown. But, despite it all, Im trying to break free of that and become independent again; Learn to trust people again. Learn to heal the agoraphobia.. Learn that not every call has a "message of tragedy at the end. "I watch my husband struggle as well. He's a good man and supportive.  I can have a lot of guilt, that I cant help the very fact that I have this illness, and that it affects my husband. It saddens me to no end.  The stress of mental illness can lead to arguments if you dont remind yourself to keep calm. I struggle with that too. I may dissociate, then come back and have no idea what my husband is talking about, right in the middle of him having a melt down trying to figure everything out. Until.. he realizes that I have no idea, what he's talking about! It can feel a lot like 50 first Dates at times. lol Its extremely exhausting! Im fortunate, Weve been together since Jr High School, and our children are now grown. Im not old yet at 49, but not young either. But, I am also a load of successful marriage; a very loving one lol However, depression can be a strain on everyone. I want to live a happy normal life. My biggest problem is probably  the same as many of yours...knowing where to start. Even at my age. Maybe we could simply, start by supporting each other?  Wishing you well.