The big nothing

@Tyme90‍ Please do not consider that as an option. Do not excessively drink either. Talk it out and find ways to get better.

Please call 1-800-273-8255 - the suicide hotline - if you cannot shake the thought. I can promise you that you matter to many people and life without you would be a detriment to many.

Have you sought out a counselor before? If yes, how many? Did any of them help?

Do you have anyone in your life that you can lean on and talk to?

Have you taken medications to help with the mood swings?

Can you explain to use what is going on in your life?

I have schizophrenia. I’m beginning to think the only way to peace is to opt out. The only things stopping me are fear of pain and effects on my daughters. I’m sure I’m not close because the need for peace is greater than pain for people who commit suicide. I am probably just seeking attention or something else. As far as my daughters I think they would be ok if I wrote a letter explaining my situation and how much I love them. They will always have that letter as they grow older. There only 6 and 7 right now. I live in Michigan they live in Arizona. We talk everyday and that is the only thing that brings me joy. But it proves they’ll be ok without me. They have tons of family that loves them.

I’m just flat out tired. I know my mom loves me but I feel like sorta a burden. The only thing is without my social security to help my mom wouldn’t be able to afford her place. That weighs heavy on my mind too.

I’ve been in isolation for years. I’m finally starting to break out of it. Which is weird because now I’m contemplating suicide. I think sub consciously I sabotage myself every time I start getting happy. Is there a diagnosable mental illness for that?

heres where I’m at: I’m going to wait until after I see my daughters in Oct and reassess. Who knows by then I should snap out of it.

As far as therapy I’m trying but have nothing to say. I think I have poverty of thought.

thanks for the response and advice it’s duly noted.

@Tyme90‍ 

Thank you for responding back. You have daughters and a mother that love you and, even if you do not see it all the time, need you and want you here. 

You say you are tired? What are you tired of or is there something that specifically you feel is making you feel "tired"? Asking because perhaps figuring out where the "feeling" is coming from can better help you figure out the best way to deal with it or what can be done.

You say you have been living in isolation, what do you mean by that? And that is great that you are breaking out of it! Congratulations! Keeping working toward it. 

And that is good that you are seeking therapy and even if you feel you have nothing to say, the mere fact that you are trying is a positive.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

@Tyme90‍ 

Welcome to the forum and the community here. Well I do not have schizophrenia, I do get depression a lot and let me say, please do not consider suicide. When even the though comes in to your mind, find something you enjoy and go do it. Even if it is just sitting outside, soaking in the sun, and reading. I find just being in nature helps me or watching my dog and cat play. 

I have my animals which I know need me and just seeing them brings me joy. I think this day in age, we see so much stuff on social media of people having fun and think to ourselves that they do not get down or have depression ever. But through speaking to more people and also coming out of my shell, I have come to learn that everyone gets down... gets depressed. Just some people deal with it differently.

I am trying to learn and continue to do so, on how to better deal with those times when I get down.

I think what @Lee__R‍ said about finding where the feeling is coming from is good and important. If you can kind of locate the stemming of the feeling, it often helps to be able to control the triggers more. But also realize that triggers may come from many places, and just continue to do your best and realize when such triggers happen.

I would also recommend seeking out someone who you can speak to and even though you feel like you have nothing to say, just talk and you will find it comes out. But I cannot stress this enough, find a good therapist/counselor. If you the first one you find, you feel does not care or is not listening or is not doing any good, do not think that therapy/counseling is not good... it is the therapist - not you and not the concept of therapy. Keep looking until you find a therapist/counselor that you like and feels cares and can understand you. 

Do not give up.

Pray anyways...Remember those who love you and you love them also.

agreed @Bobby76‍ . Excellent advice.

Hello. I do have Schizophrenia as does my brother and believe me I get it. It's hard.. really hard. But suicide isn't the answer. My brother tried to commit suicide and it shook me to my core. I don't know what I would have done if he succeeded. But do you know what matters? He's happy now. It took a long time and a lot of therapy and medications but he's happy now. And believe me when I say seeking help is important. I used to think about suicide every day (I even started packing up my things so my mom wouldn't have to) and then I got help and now I hardly ever think that way and when I do.. it just seems unrealistic. Medications and therapy are god sent. Please give it a try, maybe even more than one because it can take some time. I'm still struggling through life and want an escape button.. but now I know that's not the option and life is precious. It sounds like you have a lot to live for. IF you ever want to talk please reach out for me. I'm not a parent so I can't understand all of what you're going through but I think I get this.

@Tyme90‍ . I understand the feeling of being tired. I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease about two years ago and each year has gotten worse. I have spent most of this year in isolation because my body is not strong enough to handle much activity and being around people and thier lack of understanding and judgment is stressful. I got tired of living in pain every day, tired of all the bad news from the doctors (that I am still receiving), tired of all the hallucinations, tired of being miserable and misunderstood. I spent months asking God to call me home because there was no use to living if I was just gonna exist. I broke down and told my dad I wanted to go home one day after having a flare and he broke down. That was the day I realized that my loved ones are hurting for me too and that I matter not only to them but God too because i'm still here.  Do I get to be normal yet no but there are people who want me to. 

As a person who came to that realization because of my dad's love for me, I would hope that you know that your daughters will love you and need to no matter how much you think they might be better off without you. Schizophrenia doesn't make you a bad person in their eyes,  it will show them just how amazing you are that you had to battle that and you still made it. 

If I remember correctly from my psychology degree (that I don't get to use lol) usually when you start to become more social and contemplate suicide you are starting to set the process in stone. I would recommend the suicide hotline that was provided above only because I would hate for you to wait for counseling and something happen and you decide to do it. People love you and one day (it may take time) you will be okay. 

My nephew committed suicide last September. I felt guilty at the funeral standing beside my son while I watched my sister in law say goodbye to her son for the final time. If anyone ever feels like that is where they are headed, please reach out to a crisis center or hospital. Don't make a permanent decision because of a temporary situation. I pray for everyone.