Depression sucks.

Hi my name is Crystal and I’m looking for help.  I feel hopeless and lost. 

Hi Crystal, what's going on? We are here to listen and try to help.

   Today is not a good day.  I started with a new truck company back in October.  Did all most 3 months of training with them.  It seemed like a lifetime.

   I started my first solo load yesterday out of Nashville. And had problems with the truck.  I stopped at a shop to get it worked on. And took off.  I woke up this morning and truck is messed up again.  I was told that I have to wait till monday to get looked at. I am stuck at a rest area till sometime monday.   It is freezing and rain with a snow mix...   I just want to cry lol...

Hi crystal

Do you feel any better than earlier on your post? I hope so. I feel lost sometimes mostly in my head. I cant think straight with all my mental health issues and its really hard to do much. I was wondering if maybe you can write alittle more so I/we can understand exactly what you are meaning. I would like to chat with you if u would like. Well U can post on this page or friend request and talk more privately. Well sleep well and maybe you will feel alittle better in the am. And try to smile a bit if you can it will help

I’m not sure if this is the place to talk or not. I’ve never done anything like this but I’m at a loss at what to do. In December I lost my grandmother who I was close to to cancer and then on Christmas Day I found out my mother is having an affair and leaving my dad and on top of all that I’m just not happy with where I am in life. I feel like I should be doing so much more. So needless to say I have not been in the best emotional or mental state. I’ve been a little snippy and bicker with my boyfriend of two years little too much recently. It’s not him I’m just at a loss with my feelings and my mind feels like a mess all the time. Well he deals with anxiety and depression and has since junior high so he’s no stranger to it and I’ve been there for him through it but the last few days have been worse than usual. He’s now saying he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. Before last week everything was completely normal and perfectly fine. We have even been looking into places to live together.  I assumed the last few days he’s been his slump because of how much he’s been at work and he hasn’t had enough time to decompress. Never would I have thought it was anything to do with us. We have kinda bickered yes but usually no more than for a few minutes then we’re fine. We’ve never had a real fight. I would always say our relationship is solid and really good. I’m just at a loss and I don’t know if it’s my fault and maybe I’ve been more distant than usual because of everything in my life or if it’s just because he’s depressed and is trying to push me away. If I’m out of bounds or anything I understand I’m just trying to get help making sense of it all. Any advice would be much appreciated. I don’t usually deal with depression on a daily basis like he does so I just have a hard time understanding it sometimes. 

It sounds like you have so much going on in your life that you have no control over. That tends to create anxiety. Do you see a Therapist? I would suggest that you probably need to start. Having loss in your family is difficult for anyone. Your mom and dad not being together anymore is not your fault but it may feel like a loss for you. I’m sorry about your grandmother passing away. It sounds like you were close. Have you sat down with your boyfriend and discussed your relationship? Have you told him how you are feeling? That you are overwhelmed with depression? I hope and pray that you will seek advice from a Therapist or possibly your church. 

I resonate 100000000% with this issue. I have lost my grandpa who was a huge part of my life to prostate cancer and ever sense then I haven’t been 100% myself. My boyfriend and I of 4 years are basically falling out of love together. My depression is coming back stronger and harder then ever and he doesn’t know how to deal with it so he gets frustrated. It had caused a huge strain on our relationship and has made me resent him. We used to be so happy and I used to be so happy. However, I can’t seem to find that anymore and I’m scared I will never be able to. 

  Well my truck got fixed on Thrusday.  I was broke down from Sunday till Thrusday. I got a load out of Nashville on Friday morning around 10.00 am heading up here to Perryville  MD  

    I got to my delivery around 1130 am.  I checked in, and dropped my loaded trailer and I hooked up to a empty trailer. And sat and took a 30 min DOT break, and I checked in , told them I was at my delivery. I sat and did my paperwork, and sent in all my messages , and asked if they wanted me to go to a nearby truckstop and wait till Monday.

         So I know since it is Saturday in the real world. No one was in the office so I took it upon my self to come here and wait. It's a small truckstop and I did find a place to back into and wait till Monday.

          I love driving, I learned how to drive a big truck when I was a kid.  At times like today it is what it is.  I will stop and wait till Monday.  But at least I have full bars on my phone so I will be bingeing  movies.

      I know things will get better once I get money rolling in and I prove myself to my new driver manager.   If any of you want to chat  hit me up...

      Today is April the 10th, and yes I am still driving and working for the same company, and guess what??    Yes I am broke down again.  I have been sitting for 9 days at one of our yards up in Pennsylvania. 

   I checked in 9 days ago, and they told me I would be here awhile, I checked in with my driver manager and told them the bad news. I did find a near by Walmart so I could get truck food, and I bought a camping shower, and a camping toilet. 

      I only get out of the truck if I have to. It is crazy up here, most of the mechanics are calling out sick, and it's making my wait time longer. Since its Friday I am going thru my other company to get me a room tonight and pay for my Lyft ride so I can get out of the truck for 1 night and wash clothes.    I still love driving, but I hate my company Walefare Express.  And I can not wait till my contract is up so I can go someplace else. But on a good note my other company provides 10 semis to disabled  vets for every 6 months I work here, and do my best other job 

  A lot has happened since my last post. I stayed in the broken down truck for 12 days, I was picked up  by another driver , and he took me down to Virgina to pick up another truck.

     I ended up going back to Pennsylvania  the next day to clean out my other truck, and finish a load in New Jersey....                            I stayed in the new truck for 2 weeks without heat.  I was given a delivery from Atlanta Ga to Nashville Tennessee.  I have been in pain for about a month and it was getting worse. So i decided to clean that truck up and take some time off.                              I found out that the new company lost my insurance papers , so I dont have health insurance.  I had to go thru finicial  aid, so I can get taken care of.                                                   Since the virus is still going on I was told it will take awhile  to get seen.  So Monday morning i an going in to get looked at and hopefully set up for surgery.                              . .         I have a pain in my side where the mesh gave way, and part of my intestine has worked it's way out of the lineing, and now i developed a stabbing pain in the center of my stomach that will not go away.                                                                                         I am scared but I have to do what is best for me. I told my company what was going on but they can care less.  I told them I may be back once I am healed or I will go someplace else.                                                                      I am planning on getting depression  meds, but I have to find ones that i can still drive a semi truck and still follow my dreams.

        I know i am going off in another direction but i would love to ask you,  have you ever felt what other people are feeling?             Have you ever known that something was going to happen  like a event in a dream, and then later on it happens?                          Has someone close ever pass away, and you later had visitations from that someone special?                                                    ..            Have you ever heard voices  in the back of your mind, not a voice to make you do bad things, but a voice that kept you from harm??

              If you can truthful  say yes to any of these questions.   You are not alone.  I am going to tell you this virus is just the tip of the iceberg.  More things are starting to happen.  My brothers and sisters out there, stay safe. watch your family and friends. We all need each other...