I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

@itsalexplease And you feel totally like an outsider and have reached a crisis point it sounds like.  You aren't alone at all.   Feeling like an outsider can happen anytime.   The important thing is that you're acknowledging it and dealing with it.  I was the only one in my family with depression and a personality that no one could understand so they might as well have been another race and heritage, I had nothing in common with them.  

@itsalexplease Sounds like there is an awful lot of shame involved.  I know the feeling, I was ashamed about my depression and personality.  Shame is an equal opportunity offender, it crosses all lines of gender, race, sexuality and belief.   

Hi everyone! I have been living with depression since 2010. At that time, my oldest son had just turned 2, I had lost my job that I loved and was really struggling to keep my own head above water, With the help of my husband and family, good friends and my doctor, I was able to get into a better place. I take medications every day, and since 2010 I have only had one medication switch since then. I started doing meditation and yoga, which also help with my migraines. I also suffer from anxiety, and take medications for that as well. In the past few years, and two more sons later, I decided to finish my schooling. I received my bachelors in Psychology and am one class away from finishing my masters in Psychology. At the end of November, I plan to start my doctorate. 

I am by no means an expert in my field yet, but love to help people. Please feel free to message me if any one wants to talk !!!! I am always here!!! 

Cindy

I feel like that frequently. I am a senior, twice widowed, my first husband in 1997 and my most recent loss in July 2019. My mother passed away in October 2019, and then my youngest daughter moved out in November 2019 which made me an empty nester. When my husband passed away, I couldn't afford my house any longer, so I moved 3 hours south. I was isolated in my house, so now I'm in a condo in a new city, which I thought would be better for me, but then Covid hit and since I don't know anyone here, I'm basically isolated again. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder and Depression, so I have to try extra hard to get up in the morning and face the day. I am on medication. I've tried so many and none seem to really work well for me. My moods are more adjusted but, I'm still depressed.

@Joliemh What kind of activities do you like to do? Reading? Music? Watching movies? Normally the local libraries have activities where you can meet people and they have different activities that might interest you. I belong to a couple Facebook book clubs. Are there any local parks? Walking in the fresh air is good for you, even with everything going. Journaling can help with your thoughts. Please message me if you want any other techniques or help.

Cindy

Thanks so much for the suggestions Cindy. I do walk in the park frequently and I read. I love music too. It's just hard to meet people. I get tired of doing things alone all the time. But today, I actually had a really great day by myself! I treated myself to a mani/pedi, a movie at a cinema with lounge chairs, and a nice lunch. When I got home, I felt like I had actually had a good time.

@Ashleyj I'm so sorry your having a tough time. I can definitely relate. I played the gineau pig for a while. But even now meds won't cure it all, it just helps me to cope with it. It's taken me some time, and I'm still learning to cope. I prayed a lot, went to a lot of meetings early on. There are many support groups available online. I have also been to a lot of counseling, which really empowered me. At some point I was able to start fighting back and decide I was going to take action. Having faith that i won't always be depressed gives me the will to carry on. And what better way to emreinforce that by taking action. I beleive you will get better.

@Joliemh That sounds like a great day! Pampering ourselves makes us feel great. Are you on social media? Maybe a local interest group? You can find people who like the same things you do there. Maybe that can help?

If I can help anymore, let me know !

Cindy :)

All of this was weighing on my already distorted and confused mind last night especially, more than any other night lately. My night started out to be very quiet, laying here typing on my laptop and listening to music and as soon as I stopped what I was doing laid here trying to clear my head so I could fall asleep, and my folks had already gone to bed, the intrusive thoughts began flooding my mind and the flashbacks started popping out from every direction like a movie all of sudden started coming on different screens all around me and heard voices coming from each movie all jumbled up and I began to feel a little dizzy and got scared. I panicked and jumped up and went to go get in my corner and balled up banging my head against the wall, pounding my fists on my knees, and telling myself real loudly that was never good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, well enough, and sure wasn't worthy enough for anyone, not even God and those men made sure that I wasn't and probably never will be and intended to ever be. I kept fighting with myself to the point where I began pounding on my abdomen and chest like my dad did when he got into one of his extreme rages and yelling to myself out loud "why was I still here and what am I waiting for since I'll never be happy and content in my life just as I haven't since the day I was born?? It is all my fault and I caused every bit of it from day one. Every little thing, traumatic experience, or incident kept flashing back at me like it was bits and pieces of the long movie that I was seeing before it was actually going to be shown on the big screen. I was trying my best to shut them off and wasn't able to and mute the voices that were playing in my head that I was no good, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not worthy enough of anyone's love, attention, care, or time, and I might as well drop off the face of this Earth because I wouldn't be missed anyway. I was crying and shaking profusely to the point of uncontrollably and all I could think about is how in the world can hurt myself so the physical pain can take all this crap away from me and I can stand up and walk to the bed to lay down enough to hopefully fall asleep. Nothing such as that happened and I became even more flustered and aggravated with myself to the point of the urge to self-harm became very strong and I began clawing at my palm as hard and fast as I could while screaming and crying, and kept hearing that voice inside my head that "I am going to give something to scream and cry about if I didn't stop the screaming and crying like a baby, and if I didn't stop I was going to have my bare bottom spanked until I wouldn't be able to sit down for a while." I kept arguing with that inner voice telling it to mind it's on business and leave me alone because it has no clue what I am going through and what I am fighting. The inner voice kept telling me that since I wanted to act like achild than it will treat me like one and will continue to do until I show that I am an adult and acting like one and stop being so irrational n hurting myself." I kept pounding on my chest and abdomen trying to get to get the inner voice to shut up but never happened. I was getting very frustrated and upset. At that time I felt the best thing for me to do was to leave and never come back and the inner voice told me it would always be with me and would never leave me alone like all these flashbacks and memories haven't and have haunted me all these years. No one would truly ever want me except those who would take advantage of me and do whatever they wanted with me only if makes them happy and satisfied mentally, motionally, and sexually. A piece of meat they can play n throw around until I am completely usless and then throws it out with the rest of the trash. I know it pains u to hear me talk like this but this is as honest and real as I can get to what was going through my mind last night and many times prior. I felt so badly and ashamed of this person I became I didn't feel like an adult last night at all in any way, shape, form, or fashion. I have regressed back to when I was 9 and can't get out of it. What's the use? That same quuestion kept running through my mind because as long as I am stuck at 9 i will never go anywhere emotionally or mentally. That is probably why I am still down this dark black hole I am in and so dang close to hitting rock bottom.Why don't I just go ahead and hit it and be over with. i believe that is what is scaring me the most. I couldn't seem to settle down for anything and the only way I could was to punish myself in a very harsh way knowing that is the only way to get me to stop being so irrational and thinking so terribly and truly have remorse for all th wrong I have done, caused, deserved, and start being thankful for what I do have which have been taken away by the blinders of all the bad stuff I have caused to happened and all the guilt and shame I have caused in my life and in life of others. Then a voice came to my head "A dummy, why can u be happy for once? U are killing yourself!!!!" Maybe I am already dead!!!

Thanks for sharing what you're going through and I truly hope it helps you to vent what's going on with you. If you don't mind me giving you a suggestion? I have a couple of friends who go through similar situations as you do, they've been through a lot just like you and they learned to put the past behind them knowing that if they don't then they will never be able to move forward with their lives and it hasn't been easy for them to do as you can imagine. They have a few tricks to help them out, for example they try to think of anything positive that has happened in their lives and if they can't do that in the moment they have a special item like a medallion or pictures or a capor a T shirt from Happy occasion from their lives some are from when they were kids others from the present and it seems to help them a lot it's obviously not a cure but it helps! They also volunteer helping other's like at church or homeless people serving lunch. I hope this might help you? But please remember that you're a special person and you have a lot of potential and your life is definitely worth living