Living with major depression - Searching for someone who understands to share with

Oh NanGram, I am SO sorry to hear about what is going on with you.  I wish that I knew what to say, but I do not.  All that you said is really crappy.  Not in the same situation, but I understand you being depressed.  I have been a widow for almost 6 years, having lost the love of my lift whom I'd been married to for more then 30 years and had known for 47 years.  He died of a horrible incurable disease.  It is beyond words that I know how to say to tell you how much I miss him.  Because of his death, my whole world has been effected.  Everyone keeps telling me that I need to just go on  like nothing has happened.  But I can't do that.  Other people may be able to, but I can't.  EVERYTHING makes me think of him.  I even dream about  him.....all bad dreams.  I am not sure, but I think that I have convinced myself that I don't deserve to be happy again.  Not that I had anything to do with his dying.  But if I can't be happy with him, I don't think that I want to be happy without him.  Does that make sense?    I have no desire to do anything at all.  Taking care of my dogs & cats (aside from things that I have to do like grocery shop & pay bills) is about all that I do.  I sit in front of the TV a large majority of the time because I just don't h ave any energy or drive.  What your girl did to you, even though you all were together for a long time, sounds like to me that she was just using you.  You don't deserve to be "used" by anyone.  I KNOW that your hurting, badly.  But if she is deceitful like that, then you don't want to be around her anyway.  Is she the reason why you lost your job?  If she is, it is bad enough that she basically kicked you in the teeth, be to have been the reason why you lost your job is horrible.  I am so, so sorry for the way that she has treated you.  It is NOT right.  Please write back to me if you'd like.  Hugs to you, ~~Saddogparent~~

Happy Thankgiving Day to everyone here. I hope we all can find even just a few things to be thankful for today, even though it's really hard to do. I have been trying hard to look at those who have it way worse then us and appreciate what I do have. 

Saddogparent, thank you SO much for reaching out, I truly appreciate  that. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can only imagine how hard it must be, especially around the holidays. To answer your question, yes, it totally makes sense. I dont want to start over yet again but I also know life goes on all around us, despite when we wish it would come to a stop while we grieve and have all the world feel what we feel, even just for a moment, so that they understand what they have done and what we are going through.

Know that you DO deserve to be happy again. You can't force it, but dont push away any moments of healing, no matter how fleating. As your healing continues, you will grow stronger. You sound like such a kind and caring soul. We have to believe that pays off somewhere, somehow. 

I'm awake early in the morning and I started to think about my life. How lonely and isolated I am and how I feel drained each morning. I feel like I don't have the motivation to keep going and I feel like I am better off dead. I have been suffering from depression for almost three years, I've been to the mental hospital three time and I attempted suicide once before. I'm just tired of feeling these emotions and I feel like shutting myself down from the world. No new friends, no socializing, nothing. I keep contimplating my 2nd and final death....

I am so sorry you feel this way. I understand. Its been 30 years of depression and anxiety for me with little to no help from anywhere I have reached out. The worst part for me is that I now realize that most of my failures in life have been my fault for not controlling my thoughts and emotions. Not only have I lost everything in my life that made it worth living, but I lost myself in it all too. I have no idea who I am nor what I want. I am trying to pull myself out and not give up. How many times can a person keep losing everything and starting over again. Now I am in my 40s and have wasted half my life. The best thing I can say is that I have a good heart. It's bruised and torn and even been ripped out and put back together many times, and the scars have reduced its size, but I still care and I still hope to connect with people somehow. Thank you for being here and sharing.

 I feel badly about your depression. I try everything 💯 percent. I am still depressed

I have suffered from depression for more than 20 years but never has it been this bad since I now have two estranged daughters. It has completely broken me and I don't see how I can ever feel joy again without my girls in my life. I am happy to have found this group as I have no one to talk to or share my thoughts and feelings. You all are precious and I know we can all beat this depression one day. I am reading a book by Joyce Meyer called Get Your Hopes Up and another one called Healing The Soul of a Woman. She makes a lot of sense even if you are not a Christian. Just thought I would share that in case the books can help others as it is helping me. I've also started getting on the treadmill every morning for 30 minutes and have cut sugar almost completely out of my diet. These two things seem to be helping as well. I just hope that I can keep it up. Thank you for sharing your stories. 

Have a great weekend 😎

 Over the past, I want to say 5 years I've been severely depressed and get anxiety out of no where. I hide it very well because I've always been a generally bubbly person. But, it's getting so much harder now to hold everything in. Octover 2018 is when it got more real for my family and I. Something inside of me was just angry and depressed. I downed a whole bottle of pills praying it would help. But it didn't. 3 days later I wake up in the hospital and they make me go to a mental facility.  It was so frustrating. to this day I am still fighting those feelings. Nothing seems to help. I've tried antidepressants, THC, CBD, Oils and other medications. Nothing. What's even worse about it all, I get so angry and so sad at times and I don't even know why. Or else itll be because someone does the littlest thing to make me upset and I blow up and ruins my mood. At work everything is so hidden well, by the time I get home I'm drained and just want to sleep. I'm just so overwhelmed by all these feelings. What do you guys do to help it all?