Everyday is a struggle with depression...

I have had depression most of my life. The past few years it was pretty well controlled after years of medication changes until May 2019 and the medication quit working. Since then it has been difficult but I was doing okay. Mostly by staying very busy with volunteer work and a few fun activities. I left a relationship in October 2018 and because I was staying so busy I didn't realize that I was lonely. Then Covid hit and alot of stuff came to a grinding halt.  Between the medication not working and the lack of activities, I have spiraled into a very sad and very very very lonely place. I am 57 and feel like I am a different person than I was 6 months ago. I am no longer confident, self assured, and happy. I cry every day. I can't stand the person I have become. I have cried and complained to my friends way too much. I made a decision today to stop talking to them until I can get a handle on this, before I scare them away completely.  If you ask me how I am doing, I burst into tears. My psychiatrist is trying to find a medication that will work. I have had the DNA testing done and there are very few that my body metabolizes normally.  I am not ungrateful because I have some good stuff in my life. But a big part of this is I have nobody to share the good things I have with. Not sure if this is off topic but I have tried online dating and it's so dehumanizing. I hate every minute of it and it makes my depression worse. But the being alone and the isolation is even worse than how awful online dating is.  I am in therapy with a new therapist, not sure if I like her yet. I am so afraid I will end up spending the rest of my life alone. I sometimes feel like if this isolation goes on too much longer, I am going to be sitting in a corner crying for the rest of my life. I'm not there yet but I don't know how much more I can take. I told my psychiatrist that I am so depressed that when "bad" things happen, like the cruise I was supposed to go on next February got cancelled and my hot water heater died and my phone broke, and my car was acting up, all in the same week, that seemed like easy stuff to deal with compared to my depression.  I don't have any family to lean on except a brother and we are not close. 

BTW, that was my first post, I just joined yesterday. So, thank you to whoever takes the time to read my long winded post. And, I hate that others are hurting too. I wish you didn't hurt either, because I definitely know how horrible it is when it goes on for so long with no end in sight. Please at least be safe.

Greetings to all.  Much of this year has been hard on all of us.  I started this time last year with the death of one of my very best friends unexpectedly and 4 weeks later a friend from high school was murdered in Texas.  This year has not been the greatest,  It started this spring with 2 deaths on my Dads side of the family.  Then there were 3 deaths in my ex-husbands family all within a 3 month period.  it was all i could do to get up & go to work.  i came home and just hid away in my bed.  Not the best of ideas.  Amidst all of this I made a decision to move back home to NH from VA.  Its been a really good thing.  i am blessed and feel i am finally getting out of my depression.  Yes i take medication for it but it is a daily choice to get up and start to live again.  i wish everyone well in their journey through this hardship.  May we all be there for each other

Katherine

I just want to know how to get out of this darkness. I feel like I'm loosing all the relationships around me slowly but surely. And becoming an awkward introvert day by day so making "NEW" relationships is not happening either. I'm not sure what happened. I use to be so full of life and love. Now I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel so dull and dead inside. I feel like a robot doing the same things everyday. I try and do new things but I don't find them exciting by myself. I miss my friends but there not parents like I am so I feel they no longer understand me. I don't know where or how to find "Mommy" friends. I have no friends. I feel a lot off my depression comes from that alone. I  always had someone growing up. I don't know how to be alone. I have family but it's not the same. I miss a friends compassion. I just hate being in this dark place. And not sure how to get out of this feeling. I just want to stay in bed. Its hard to ever get up. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone. It's just so hard being present. A lot of past emotions and feelings keep popping up and this happened out of no where. PLEASE help. 

I have lived with depression my whole life, I have no contact what so ever with anyone in my family (except my children). I don't have sisters, brothers, aunts, cousins to talk to or hang out with and hearing and seeing families together is like a punch in the gut. People tell me they care so much for me but yet they never call, never ask me to join them for "girls day/night out", invite me to coffee or dinner, instead I sit at home, many nights of crying, feeling my heart actually break. These past couple of weeks have been the hardest for me (and I have been through a whole lot), my life has been turned upside down and quiet honestly I am sick of hearing "you're going to be alright", I am NOT alright right now. Why do people feel they have to keep their distance from someone who is living with depression, I swear they must think they are going to catch it if they get too close. And just because you see me smiling/laughing does not mean I am not hurting in the inside, plus I have gotten real good at pushing my hurt back down because I don't want people to push away from me because they think all I want to do is dump all my problems on them: THIS IS A LIE!!!

@DebbyL hi Debby, thank you for taking the time to write that. I feel the exact same way as you. I'm not the same person I was back in March, I cry everyday, I'm over eating, I pushed everyone away. One thing I noticed is that we all push people away to protect them from us but we need people to be with us through the hard times too. If we push them away and isolate ourselves, soon the loneliness we feel is because we have created it and not because we truly are lonely. Our minds may say sometimes we are, but are we really? It seems we have so many wonderful people around us who care and the moment one things falls out of place, we feel completely alone. It's almost like we're two different people when we go through our bad phase than when we are in our normal persona. Anyways, I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story, it resonated with me and I hope we can both come out of this well and safe. Many blessings.

Hello everyone I am sorry you are struggling.

I just had a whole post typed and lost it. ☹️ So I will try to remember all or most. I have leukemia and my medication messes with me really badly. My husband is an alcoholic and stresses me out. I’m sure there are other things I could list but all of it rolled together is why I am on here. I shop not constantly but when I do I get stuck on something and purchase almost all or sometimes all of the colors it comes in. I don’t go anywhere I work from home and only go to the dr and grocery store. I don’t need anything. I don’t usually feel bad about it but I am aware of what I am doing and know that I will eventually stop for a while. I just know that there are times that I do it as a reaction or a comfort or an I deserve it because... 

I just want to stop doing it just because I don’t need a literally anything. It is not causing me financial problems. I thought of talking to a psychiatrist but I need to be able to talk to someone when I need to talk. 

I have family but don’t see them much I have children I don’t see them much but we are in touch all of the time.

My husband works a lot so I spend most of my time by myself which I really don’t mind I just want to get a grip before I become drawn to something else I don’t need. 

Effyou2020!

Dear friends,

I feel your pain and suffering!   I’ve been severely depressed for several months now. Yes I have had many days that I wished I wouldn’t wake up in the morning 😦. 
what has helped me is TMS magnetic therapy and turning to God in much prayer!   It is helping.
I am also looking into volunteering.  It is very therapeutic.  Give it a try and see how blessed you are!  I will keep all of you in my prayers... life WILL get better

Your friend,  David ❤️

@Thumper1