Talking about my depression for the first time

Hi everyone I’m new here. This is the first time in the 30 plus years of my life I’m going public to say I have severe depression. I’ve lurked & read and understood  what others were going through on forums but never just posted anything of my own. I feel like I’m not good enough to express my feelings to others, I hold on to my feelings and thoughts, but I think it makes me feel worst. I feel like it’s just me and myself, and no one would care or would understand. I never could understand why I’m so unhappy, withdrawn, and afraid of what others would think. Because I am this way, others tend to hurt me, disappoint me, and of course they do that because they can tell I’m weak even if I don’t confide in them. Because of all of that I now have trust issues and that makes my withdrawing from others worst. I have a family whom I love dearly but I even find it difficult to tell them how I feel. When my husband and children are outside, I find myself laying in bed in a dark room, withdrawn. My husband feels like I’m not interested in him, he’s always saying things like “do you still love me?” And things like that, I feel like it’s to validate why I’m acting this way. I want to change, I want to be happy but I feel like my depression won’t allow me. I hope all of this doesn’t sound stupid to you guys, I hope that you understand what I’m saying. Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy, I just wish I could change the way I think and feel. I just wanna be happy and enjoy my life.