Need someone to talk to/Listen to others

I’m so tired of these voices. It’s like my own voice in my mind telling me to do it over and over again and it’s so loud but it’s not me and I know I need help but I don’t want it. I don’t want to be the outcast anymore. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want help even though I need it, is because I’ve been dealing with it my whole life and I’m so tired of people telling me the same thing over and over again. “ it’s okay” “it will get better” “ you will smile again one day” “ stop closing yourself off from the world and make friends.” But that’s the problem, the world doesn't accept outsiders, the world doesn't like different. The world turns its back on different. But I didn’t come on here for help I just wanted someone to hear what I’m saying and stop trying to change what I think but just do understand what I’m saying.  

 Hello whoever is there, if anyone is. 

This is my first time seeking out a support group or therapy so I'm sorry if this isn't the right way to communicate. 

My name is Virginia,  I am 24 years old, and I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and epilepsy. 

For so long, I've kept all my pain inside because everytime I even think about approaching my own thoughts that scream in my head I distract myself out of fear, sadness, and emptiness. I guess it sounds weird, but it's like a pain but dulled out like I got an epidural that's wearing off.

Since I was 14, I've been writing in journals every year except this one regarding my thoughts and feelings... but I stopped because I felt that my thoughts written down would be too vulnerable if the wrong person read it. They would probably try to dose me up with more medicine than I already take. 

The thing is, I know that I have the underlying issues and I know they need to be faced... I just cant get myself to do it. My mother passed away from lung cancer when I was 14, my dad got with someone else and basically had a new family so I felt abandoned... so alone. Relationship after relationship to try and keep my head straight but if anything that made how I feel so much worse. Eventually, I moved from state to state, never able to find stability which definitely isn't good either and has my mind going crazy. Then, my dad passed from lung cancer when I was 20 or so, my memory slips a lot even with things as important as the dates of my parents passing. I used to dwell on their deaths but when I had my son 2 years ago, i had a new focus and reason. Reason to live actually. I think about dying a lot though, the thought of my child not having his mother stops me. I never want him to feel alone the way I feel all the time. Regardless if people are around, it still feels lonely and dark. And I don't want him seeing or knowing what I'm going through but to see and know that I'm healthy minded... I want to be a good mom for him, just lost. 

Sometimes it feels no one is out there listening, but maybe there is. Lately, it feels my world has been  crumbling as all of my support pillars are now gone, i.e cigarettes, my girlfriend (we were together for six years and it's taken a hard toll for me), my therapists, schooling, a decent relationship with friends.

I have slowly started isolating myself. Since my breakup with my girlfriend, I've been scared of making connections with people. Even things as simple as a hug makes me freeze up, push away, and go into an anxiety attack. I thought I'd be past this already but it's really been hurting me . Connections with people in general have been hard since I've grown apathetic. Horribly so. I can't seem to find myself caring about anyone, not who they are, not what they're going through, how they feel. It's like as if they're ghosts. I feel so alone surrounded by people and it really sucks. I've stopped looking for relationships and any relationship that tried to engage with me, I rejected with some stupid excuse or just ghosted them until they left me alone. I've been so self conscious that I've been dieting and trying to force myself to be a "better person."

I'm just so tired all of the time and this sleep apnea on top of my insomnia is killing me.

I want to move on from her. So bad. I have burned everything she gave me. All of the photos. The memories. Deleted her contacts. Blocked her. Everything. But she stays in the back of my mind as I crave for that someone who I thought loved me. And it's been tearing me up inside. I really feel like I don't know what to do anymore. I'm really tired of trying.

I am not professionally diagnosed with depression, but for these past months I've felt a feeling that isn't just sad and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I am not allowed to feel depressed because I grew up in a good home and I didn't have a traumatic childhood. Some days it is just hard and I feel so lethargic and numb and like there isn't anything I can do about it. I feel purposeless and I know I shouldn't but can't help it

@ashleyc1 I am going through the same thing my solid friend group seems to be falling apart and i've always felt like it is my job to fix or bring together. More often than not I feel very alone, but its nice to know I am not and others are going through the same thing. Thank You for sharing!

hello everyone i am still but upset but a little better i get see my son soon. 

I have anxiety depression and ptsd sos

I have anxiety depression and ptsd sos

srry accidentally posted twice

@RonaldKessler I'm listening. Would you like to talk about anything? You can PM me as well if you'd like.