Need someone to talk to/Listen to others

update: my father passed way. i don't really know how i'm doing if that makes since. I no long have any tears or emotions. i'm so use to loses that i'm no longer fazed by anything. i can never catch a break. i started college to get my mind off of everything and so far its alright. i just keep to myself and do my homework. i relapsed on weed and pills. i have no one. i don't understand y its me. why is it that i have to endure all of this. i work to buy drugs. i go to college to avoid my reality. i tried alcohol but i just sat in a corner and thought about suicide. i'm usually not the type to give up but idk at this point u know what i mean. i get knocked down get back up just to get knocked down again. i don't expect anyone to read this. i'm just writing my thoughts. my dad died to an overdose. heroine. i don't blame him. even thou he beat me i feel like a piece of me faded. he was a good father but terrible man. he beat both me and my mother who doesn't deserve it. i saw a family the other day they looked so happy and cheerful and i got jealous to the point were i just walked away and drove home. its not that i don't like seeing happy people its just that i don't have happiness. i tried a therapist but they all talked to my doctor to give me pills despite my relapse. i truly hope that no one has to go through anything that i have. my best friend from Dallas died to gang activity. i showed up to his funeral and i sat there and stared at his casket for hours just thinking about how everyone that i talk to either dies or leaves me. but it is what it is. i cant really blame them for leaving i would to. im a fuck up. ik this sounds petty but its true i mean honestly. im jealous of people i walk around and see people so happy and enjoying life knowing that i cant. ive tried to make friends, go on dates, video games, everything. it just doesnt help.

@Broken2infinty‍ thanks for the advice 

@smpdrew @smpdrew my dad died too. i leave every time i see people happy, or with complete families, or in good relationships. i’m sorry. just know that i go around and dress up and smile and laugh and to the people looking at me they probably think i’m happy. nobody would suspect i do drugs every day, or that i am in an abusive relationship. I'm nothing. i go home and cry. i do drugs to distract my mind. i go to work and school just because i have nothing else to do. all i think about is how i’m only 20 and how if it’s this bad now, how bad is it gonna get for the next 20 years. this probably doesn’t help you. i guess i needed to vent too. but you really aren’t the only one. i guess we gotta stick together. 

i’m just tired. so tired of having to wake up and do every day again. but i’m not suicidal. i just don’t want to wake up. i just don’t want to have to deal with everything that comes my way. it’s like the universe is specifically against me. i’m so tired.

To forgive and let go….geeze sounds easy enough right? But how do you really do it? Especially after you’ve been hurt over and over again. There is no easy way I’ve ever found and the ideas I have had I just get hurt worse and worse every time. But there are a few good people out there every once in a while but we usually just pass them by because after all do we really deserve them? Of course not because we believe for one reason or another we don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person or I’m lucky to have them. These are all feelings we’ve grown up with but we are all very special or we would not be here now discussing our feelings right now. We would not care otherwise. But you are here discussing your very important feelings right now because you are special and you deserve someone special even if you do not feel it. Hey I’m special and so are you so if you ever feel like you are not then just let me know and I’ll tell you exactly everything that is special about you just Incase you don’t know because I’m an expert in what is not special believe me 

I am having the worse day ever, I have a tough life but I'm ready to just quit and give up. 

I suffered from depression since I was about 12. I also suffered physical and sexual abuse leaving me with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I did not get a diagnosis and help for 20 years (can you believe that!?).

I suffered through those years for no apparent reason, I know now that I have a psychiatrist (see every 6 months), proper medication, and a therapist (see every week). I have been processing the pain of my past and opening up for a better future. It takes time and commitment.

I only wish that you don’t wait as long as I did. I also used drugs and alcohol to “Medicare” my pain. Finding the medical help was the only help that made a difference. I wish you the best.

@Rose7422 I know it's hard. Don't give up. Take it one day or even one hour at a time and find something or someone to be thankful for. Find an activity or hobby you enjoy that might be a place to make new friends. 

@hellothere That's symptoms of depression. Some days I have to force myself to get up to go to I job I don't like sometimes. I dread the day the minute I pull into the parking lot. But once I start working I find that I'm not as depressed. Maybe it's just having a purpose. Don't quit. God has a plan for your life.

I've tried but nothing seems to help or nothing seems joyful anymore I'm tired of losing everything.