I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

I was born with depression, but no one figured out what was wrong until I was in my late 20’s. Every picture of me as a kid I have a sad look on my face, never smiling, and remembering that I didn’t want to be there. I remember at 6 yrs old frequently sitting in my room by myself crying- I didn’t know what was wrong, but I just felt so sad. 
I struggled my whole life with school with ADHD (no one knew what it was back then), and I had very few friends. 
When I was finally diagnosed with depression & started taking meds, it seemed like my life might get better. But over the past several decades, it’s been a constant roller coaster of feeling ok, then not. I’ve never been really happy- I don’t laugh much & I look at everyone else enjoying life. 
I’ve been in a fast moving downward spiral the past month as we start coming out of COVID. I’m probably the only one who found the restrictions somewhat of a relief- no crowds, a lot less traffic, things were quiet outside, empty beaches,  and I could go for a walk and only hear birds & running streams. I have extreme sensitivity to noise due to Meniere’s Disease & constant ringing in my left ear. A siren, car horn, loud conversations, barking dogs - all are amplified 10 times what the normal person hears. 
Here’s how I’ve felt most of my life: I find no joy in living, I hate myself and even look in the mirror & yell “I hate you. You’re so stupid.” And sometimes I slap myself in the head. I feel completely worthless, full of guilt for everything thing I’ve ever done wrong, completely withdrawn from life, and I just don’t care any more.  I’ve thought about suicide, but never to the point that I would do anything, but now as I get older & things get worse & worse, I’m thinking I’m losing control of what little bit of sanity I have left, and have the potential to harm myself. The only thing that keeps me here is my fur babies. I can’t leave them. 
The last two therapists I saw moved away. I searched weeks for a new one, & either they weren’t taking new patients, had a 2 month or longer wait, or didn’t return my call. I was hysterical just trying to find someone. When I finally did, I am now waiting another month for an appointment, as I slide further into that deep dark hole.

Feel free to message me anytime you need to talk . I spend alot of time to myself and keep alot bottled up. I pray everyday that bottle doesnt explode . 

@Kylekitty feel free to message me anytime. I'm always to myself and keep alot of things bottled up. It sucks not having anyone who can relate or understand how some of us others have to fight with our own selves from day to day 

@PoohBears you are no bother at all . You can message me anytime if you need an ear or to vent . I got your back 💯

Feel free to message me too.  I will not judge you and I am a good listener.  You are not a bother at all.  I suffer from depression too and I am currently taking steps in my life to combat it.  I will be happy share them with you.

@Sandylost 

I understand and feel deeply for you. Living in pain and with constant depression isn’t living. Just trying to get through each day is a monumental task. What I find most difficult is my absolute lack of control of my moods. There doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to pull myself out of that deep dark hole when it descends on me and each time I just want to give up. Having my cats is the only thing that keeps me going. They don’t judge you and they give you unconditional love. I don’t know if you have any pets but maybe that will give you some joy and a reason to want to be here, especially if you rescue one from the shelter. That might give your life some meaning

@Mscowboy 

what do you do when your depression totally overcomes you and you don’t want to face the world? I know that isolating yourself is the worst thing you can do but I can’t stand to be around people when I’m feeling so depressed. It’s hard to put on a happy face when you’re falling apart inside.

All you can do is be yourself and do what makes you feel better . Sometimes being around others isn't such a good idea. Other times it can get your mind off of being depressed.  I cant say I know how you feel because I'm not you. All I can say is I understand where you are coming from @Kylekitty 

I too can understand where you are coming from.  I know when I'm depressed it's hard to be around other people as well but at least it takes my mind off myself.  Doing service work has also been helpful for me as it gets me out of my own problems by helping someone else with theirs.  I also have a dog and know how therapeutic it is to have that unconditional love and acceptance! 

I know I am not the only one that struggled with mental health because I've had 6 people in my family and friends take their life.witch makes it hard not wanting to do the same expecially when things don't give you any kind of break everyday it's always something