I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

(New to this, sorry if I screw it up)

Lately I’ve been so heavy. I’ve had depression for 5 years so it’s not really “new” but it’s gotten worse recently. I use to have moments when I would laugh or smile and forget everything that’s going on inside me, but now I still feel the “pain” when I smile or laugh. The bad feelings are now constant and no mater what I do, even if I forget for a moment the feelings are always right there waiting for me the next minute.
Everything online says “It’ll all get better! Stay strong!” But it’s been 5 years now and every year it just gets worse. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been holding onto a sliver of hope that somehow everything WILL get better. However I’m starting to think that I should just end my pain and give myself a break.
I really just need somebody in my life to see me and ask, “what’s wrong.” More importantly, I need to swallow my pride and be strong enough to tell them, “Nothings okay.” But I don’t want to look or feel weak to somebody.

Ronny, I feel exactly the same way. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember. I have tried everything and the pain just won't go away. I don't have all the answers, but I do know that running away or ending it yourself does not work and is not the answer. You sound very kind and wise and intuitive. If you have someone you CAN tell this too, yes, do be honest. Doing so shows strength, not weakness. Carrying this around by yourself is far too heavy of a burden. I wish you well.

I don't know if this is the right place for this I just don't have anyone else to talk to. My wife left me in April of 2019 after 23 years. we were both unhappy for the last 10 years and always had problems throughout the entire relationship probably married to young but tried to make it work for the kids but now I just feel like my whole life was wasted. I found out she was pregnant before she even left me and i'm not even sure our four adult children are all mine. I feel better about my self in a lot of ways since the divorce but no matter what I do I can't stop think about her and having dreams about her. I just want to forget about her and move on but i'm so angry now all the time. Iv'e considered help groups but I have problems talking to people and just feel like my life is pretty much over anyway. At my age I feel like I'm being childish and I used to be scared to go to prison but now I just care less and less every day. I want to leave the state but my youngest daughter took the divorce harder than anyone and I can't leave her.She's the only thing keeping me from giving up.

I know I'm probably late to the game, so to speak. But I understand everything people are feeling in this forum. I recently joined to seek help as well, as I have no friends or family to rely on anymore. Honestly, if I'm allowed to put my own opinion out there, depression is a demon long-fought that sneaks in at all the wrong times. You think you've managed to get ahead, and then suddenly, there it is, waiting for you. However, I would really like to help people with this and talk to them about it, so, I offer up my shoulder. Thank you for listening.

I have been feeling down lately. A few years ago my dad passed away and since then I have been really hard on myself. I have symptoms of anxiety and depression. On the outside I'm a happy normal person but on the inside I'm really sad and I'm tired of pretending. I want to go to a therapist but I feel if I ask my mom she would question me and judge me. 

I feel you Liz. When I first struggled with depression it was because my wife died of breast cancer in my arms on Christmas day 1988. I tried being an alcoholic, but my metabolism wouldn't let me get drunk enough to get rid of the pain. How I got out of it then was to go to grief counseling. Even after 32 years, I'm still living with depression (new reasons, but familiar feelings) and every Christmas it still really gets bad, but the grief counseling helped to teach me how to cope with it enough to move on with my life after my loss. Surely your mother wouldn't question your need to seek grief counseling. Besides talking about your grief with her might not be a bad thing. She may be grieving too.

I'm new here and don't really know how to start 

@dlannan3821 i lost my mom last September and I was here caretaker and I keep beating myself up as to if I did something wrong? 

@RonnyWilson100 I'm new here also and I've been going through pretty much the same thing for over 10 years and sometimes I also wish I had someone to talk to but at the same time I don't know if I could get it out without bursting into tears! I also think it might be a pride or ego thing? I had 8 older brothers growing up and they said if I cried they would give me something to cry about so my whole life I always tried to hold in my feelings and my tears but it caught up with me cause now I'm very emotional and at times I find tears coming down my face just explaining things sometimes and I get very embarrassed and don't come around people for awhile fearing it'll happen again. I don't really have any friends just acquaintances and I feel like I'm faking it till hopefully I make it? But for me just even getting this off my chest on here is helping me some. Lol i apologize for rambling on 

@Pinny76 i think that would help also pinny