Looking for some support and uplifting conversations

I guess I've always had Bipolar Disorder Type 2 since I was 6 years old... I always felt different than the other kids at school... I am a former customer service worker, a teacher's aide, and a person who also has Type 2 Diabetes.... I also went to college for both my  Associate's Degree in Business Administration;  wth a Computer Science minor, and my Bachelor's Degree in Jazz and Contemporary Music,,,,I am a musician right now playing the Harmonica, Guitar, and Bass... I am also currently writing two books about Poetry and the Big Bang Theory.... I hope to publish them in the near future too... So, I have a diverse background in things, don't you think?  I also have been drawing with colored pencils for about 6 years now.... I struggle with the lows and the highs all the time, though... It's been difficult at times, okay?  In doing daily tasks in order sometimes is hard for me....But, I am resilient and hard working... I don't give up!!!!

Hi I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety, PTSD and eating disorder Sense I was 12, I am now 20 years old. Im also a suicide attempt surviver. I’ve had bad outbursts due to the depression getting the best of me. I feel weak and not strong enough to build myself back up. I’m tired and exhausted from all this, I just want to be happy again. I recently lost a pet that I have adopted. He was abused and abandoned I tried to give him the best life possible. He was recently put down a few weeks ago and sense then I’ve gotten worse and it’s starting to impact my relationship with my boyfriend. My boyfriend tries so hard to keep me happy but the thought of my dog not being here anymore overrides my happiness. I tend to over love and it gets me hurt but I can’t help it. I just want someone to talk to and not feel like I’m in this alone. I want outside help. I can’t over come the pain and suffering alone.

@Candycane First you have to grieve the loss of your pet before you do anything else.  I cried for weeks when my cat died, there's no shame in it, its a very healthy response.  I know your boyfriend is doing his best but he can't feel your pain for you or grieve for you.  I'm a suicide survivor also so I know what that feels like.  My family never understood depression and just told me to "man up" and snap out of it.  And you ARE strong, you're still alive.  

I am so sorry to hear about your dog.   I have had cats all my life and they are not just a dog or cat they are your best friends, confidante and there when you need them.   Mine died in May and I miss her so much but unlike other times I did not wait to adopt another one.   I usually go about  6mos to a year before I can go forward with that but not this time.    I went to the shelter a few times and ended up getting 2, never had more than one.   They have brought me so much joy thru this pandemic.  One of them loves to retrieve!!!

It sounds like your boyfriend is very supportive!!   Can you talk to him?  or does he not understand?

You stated that you would like outside help, can you talk to your parents, friends?  or maybe a therpist?

I feel the same way I lost my father in February due to cancer his wife didn't tell me about his funeral or anything so I don't even have a program nor attended the service, but I also feel some type of way because I never was able to grieve and I feel like is there something wrong with me? I was with my father until the day he passed, but now I see him all the time in my dreams and he even bothers me at night but I know it's him, so now I'm up all night waiting to see my father but now he isn't coming, but I just want my father to be at peace but am l weird for not being able to grieve?

Hi, 

I'm new on here. I've been living with depression for about 4 years from my diagnosis, but I first started to show signs when I was 13. I have gone 9 months without self harming and have been very proud of myself for not resorting to this common tendency of mine when I go through a particular hard stage of depression. I have a lot of life stressors currently. However, my depression is functioning. Even though it is difficult to get up every day I still do it. It's almost like I like to torture myself...Or our society has made us think that productivity is equivalent to our work....Or maybe it's Me who thinks that my productivity is linked to my work. It wouldn't surprise me...I'm a full timed behavioral para working about 40 hours a week on top of coaching a dance team, and choreographing for a show choir, all while getting my master's get this..in clinical mental health counseling. (surprising I know). I'm not going to bullshit on here, I think there's something refreshing with being completely honest with strangers. I love the workload I have because it give me an excuse to fail if I don't succeed. I can chalk it up to, "oh I had too much on my plate, how could I possibly survive?" I don't know if anyone else does that. If they do, "Hey how you doin' do you wanna drive this train off the tracks or should I?" I've never attempted suicide, but I have thought about it. It annoys me how my thoughts can just build and build on each other until I'm at the end of them and I'm yelling for them to stop but they just keep on coming. I thought I was the world's biggest" pitty partyer." I still kind of think that...My mom think's that for sure, I can still hear her words as a high schooler saying, "ya need to get out of your pity party and do something about it." Or something like that right? Who knows, high school sucked. I'm still waiting for my life to not have so many ups and downs. Maybe I'm not made for a smooth ride? Do you guys ever think about that? That your depression has programed you into someone that fears the normal, the mundane, the constant? We're like constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. We're constantly aware on our toe, holding our breath knowing that anything can come in the next second, hour, day, month, and we won't get to breathe for who knows how long. I keep circling back to the theory of "strength." What does it mean to be strong? Do you all consider yourself strong? I don't, I feel as if the wind could blow me over, I would be the first to die in war not because of a bullet but because of the harsh words of a teammate or even a commanding officer. I don't know what constitutes as strength....and with that I don't know if I can ever attain it. What is being strong? Another "S" word that comes to my head more often than strength is "struggle" that stupid word seems to encompass my ability to succeed. I look at my workload and what I have accomplished as the only indication that I haven't struggled throughout my entire life. Not because of anyone's else fault but my own. Isn't that horrible to think about? I had a great family, they loved me, they didn't understand me most of the time, but I loved them and they loved me, and I think I've made them proud...but..still I struggle. I know the cliché of "life's a struggle" but have they felt the sand on their shoulders continue to pile on them as they wake up in the morning and are forced to swallow back 1,000's of screaming voices shouting stay in bed? Who knows right we all got those demons. My struggle right now is finding worth in myself that is outside of my accomplishment and outside of my productivity...I don't know how to do that right now, I'm in a strange part of life, I'm 23 a grad student, and have no idea how the hell to pay my student loans back, or stop crying every day. Negative thinking is my speciality, but all episodes come to end and my depression cycle continues to spin...but for now I have to think positively. It's the only way out of this without falling apart again. It's a time in my life where I won't back down, but I can have bad days, and I can and will feel like nothing. This is where I stop falling down and just keep tripping. Baby steps my counselor says...right..baby steps.

@castledepress‍ Me being Joan of arc

OMG!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😂😂😂🤣😅😅😅😆😆😆😄😁😁😁😁😁......thanks, I needed that 

@peach_corr I can feel it when you say it feels good to be open with strangers. It's funny cause I can't be open to the people I'm close to, but when I talk to someone online that I don't know it just helps. Plus a lot of people on here have been through the same stuff, so no one judges.

Dear Coach 73.....I lost my father at 50....He was 81 years old.  That was going on  4 years ago.  My family still mourns his loss to us.  I am fortunate to have worked side by side with him for 26 years of my young life.  I have Bipolar Disorder Type 2, and a substance abuse problem that I've worked on for 29 years now.  My longevity in that is strictly my strong faith and a good upbringing as well.  I am persistent, huh?  I guess so.  Anyway, I'm a singer-songwriter and I've retired young.   I write books now, and still have three instruments to play with in my daily life.   I sing and it lifts me up on bad days....I am also a talented artist as well.  So, my creativity gets me active in my life.  I also am aware of the lows that I have now.  I was just a little depressed this morning after what happened In Washington D.C. last night amongst other personal matters that happened last night.   I am feeling much better now, and I am concerned about you now.   Hope you can feel whole someday over this matter at hand right now.  It's well worth talking about your loss with close friends who knew something about your loss.   It helped me personally. Thanks.