I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

@ImKiwi And yes, people are definitely going to take their anger out on this site.  The same way as people take their anger out on their therapists.  Remember, this isn't a site for gaming or chess, this is the deep stuff.   

New here, I’ve been having a tough time since May.  I have a degree in infant/ toddler teaching and always had a passion for working with children.  Over the last year I left 3 jobs because of my depression.  Finally in March I got a job I absolutely loved and have been feeling pretty good, then coronavirus happened.  I was laid off/on call for a while then returned part time in late May.  In late June I started to spiral remembering July 2019 when I was hospitalized for my depression.  I guess my work performance was in question, even though I tried like hell to hide it!!!   Co workers complained to my boss about my abilities, long story short I got fired in July,  I have been at my lowest ever since.  My dream my passion is gone, I no longer want to teach and I’m devastated.  I have 2 sons and they are so loving and compassionate, they know all the symptoms and I’m always reminding them it’s mom not you guys, nothing you did.  My husband and I haven’t had a relationship in 4 years, he tries to understand but just doesn’t, I’m over that.  I want to be a better mom for my boys!!!!    I recently saw my doctor and added a med to what I’m already taking, it’s only a short time I’m taking it and praying it helps.

I am looking for support and to give support and just to chat so I don’t feel so alone.  Thank you.  Breath and rest well my friend xoxoxo

My wife doesn't understand depression either and refused to come to couples therapy with me even though I reached out to her countless times.  I haven't had a marriage in years either.  No children even though I love them.  She thinks that just because our signatures are on a marriage license that it's a marriage.  I've been battling depression most of my life and have been on any number of meds for it.  I used to teach photography and loved it, best job I ever had, I tried to go back to school for my bachelor's degree then this virus hit and shut everything down.  

I totally relate to your working while you're in a depression, I was going on job interviews last year while I was in a suicidal depression.  And you did the right thing with your kids, tell them it's you, not them, or rather not you per se but the depression.  The depression is really an entity unto itself.  It's like another planet, or a black hole in this reality, you fall into it and there is nothing but pain.  

@DD2416 At least your husband tried to understand.  My wife won't even go that far.  She bought a dartboard in the hopes of saving the marriage.  Yeah, I can't even believe I'm writing this.  A marriage saving dartboard.  

@DD2416 Do you get the gripping in the chest along with the black mood?  And the all encompassing tightness and just plain hellish darkness for lack of a better term?  I used to be told to just smile more and be lighthearted meanwhile all I could do is think about killing myself.  

It's getting harder finding  reasons to keep going. To keep living. I can't keep using the same old excuses.

@DD2416 Hello there, you are definitely not alone my friend. We all have our vices and I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD. One big hot mess salad! I have my good days but I have more bad ones then ever. I love my family but wish they would all move out lol/ Let me work on whatever this so called life is right now and come back later.  

Loving your job Is half the battle and I'm sorry it went that way for you and am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is the time off you needed to get the help and gather your senses to move forward with a better mindset.  

My daughter and her son live w/me and she has bipolar/ADHD and she is hot and cold 80% of her days. She snaps often and my house is tense. I wait for the next blow out between her and my husband which puts a huge pit in my stomach ALL OF THE TIME. I am the buffer of this family and keep everyone in their corners and fake it to get through each day. It is a full time job being crazy in my brain, then to add family issues...UGH!! 

So I totally took that and made it about me. lol Sorry. 

If you make one habit change a week , just 1, you will feel better. My therapist told me that even making my bed ( which is a huge issue for me, I HATE IT! ) twice a week and seeing that I can make small changes happen it will just take time and not to give up on myself, that I will feel a shift of moods etc...

I have been journaling too, this helps to get all of my poison out. I have it protected by a password because if I die tomorrow and someone saw how I feel....yIKES! 

@castledepress Thank you for your reply, I do feel the black hole and anger, my hospitalization was because of suicidal thoughts.  It killed me to put my sons through that (18/14) but even through that husband thinks it’ll pass, the new meds will work, you never know what the future will hold.  Last night had huge fight about all that and I’m so dam tired of explaining that there is no cure that I’ll never  just snap out of it,   My sons understand more than he does.  I live in our basement for the last 4 years and try to be civil and kind for my boys but they are older now and I can’t fake it with him anymore!  
the pain is indescribable at times and I do walk around with that fake and he  always say you seem fine today UUGGHHH seriously frustrates me.

@Bert74 thanks for your reply.  That’s why I live in the basement I need my space away from him.  My sons come down we have dinner together hang and chat and watch tv, our relationship is good and close.  I wish I could move out but with no job it’s not an option, this will do for now, it has been 4 years down here and it helps me.

that is exactly what I’m doing with my job, not worrying right now I have time to figure out what’s next for me and right now it’s getting through this fought time putting me first for my sons.  Don’t apologize for speaking of your family, we all have things to talk about here and I’m happy to listen, and sorry for your pain.

the new habit is a great idea I will try that

@DD2416 Is there any way for you to get out of the basement and on to an upper floor?  I think the actual physical location isn't helping your depression, mentally you already feel like you're in the basement but actually being there compounds the problem