I really don't feel like living - need support and to talk

I have been answering questions that my pastor sent to me via email to think about and write what I honestly think and feel. I have been slowly pouring my heart into these questions to the point where I am all rattled and get very emotional especially at night when I write the best and most. Then I have to calm myself down, emotionally, mentally and physically so I can just cry myself asleep and hoping and praying the nightmares and flashbacks don't come and interfere with my sleep that I most definitely need to have at this point. I have been trying to stick with writing only certain times of the day and just twice a day. I get so angry and frustrated when I get writer's block and I get angry at myself so badly that I literally scratch my hand raw. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living when depression and BPD (borderline personality disorder) have affected me so strongly like a hurricane hitting the shore and I can't hold anything at bay. It is like it flows away like the waves in the ocean but seems to always flow back even harder and stronger and knocks me down emotionally and mentally.  I am having a difficult time picking myself up and shaking me off this go-around of one of the worst seasons of my life. My life hasn't been good for most of my life, but especially in the last 13 years. 

All whom have contributed to this forum are an inspiration to me. Your strength and resiliency through all the pain you are experiencing are an example of your fortitude. We’ve been through so much and we keep going. I pray all of you may find some peace and solace soon. All my respect as we share a strong bond of determination.

@Ashleym 

I understand your pain. I have very little family that sees me, just 1 hr a week, social distancing, and 2 friends who are emotionally abusive to me. I am on social security disability and work a part time job with no human interaction. I was bullied so badly at my last job, more than all of previous jobs, so I cannot work with others because I am always the one picked on, excluded, made fun of and bullied even though I am a nice, kindhearted person. This is viewed by most, I am sure, as a weakness. I feel like I am wearing a sign on my back that says ABUSE ME. I can't stand the lonliness and cry and pray every day. Covid is making things so much worse with no support meetings to meet others who might be my friend. 😢😢💔💔💔

It's unreal how everyone's posts have some sort of similarity to how I feel in and out of every day. Sometimes my husband looks at me like I'm nuts or at least that is how I feel so the less I say to him the less crazy he makes me feel. Kinda make my own chaos I guess because I don't communicate to those closest to me, I would rather come on here and speak to total strangers and of course my therapists ( whom I am also limited so they don't put me away ). Covid certainly didn't help any of what I deal with emotionally every single day, the anxiety is high, my feelings change minute to minute every day depending on what is going on around me. Just plain sucks! I am on line a lot trying to find positive quotes, prayers, memes, anything that makes me feel some what better even for just one second. The STRUGGLE IS REAL! You all have my heart....we have to get through this, it seriously couldn't get worse! Right? 

@Tamra1 I've apparently been too good for a lot of people but I never saw it.  I'm my own worst enemy.  My mind is like the chambers of a hanging judge.  

@Bert74 I know how you feel, my wife wouldn't even go with me to couples therapy and now I'm stuck in a room with her 24/7.  I would rather be here.  This virus is horrible even for introverts.  

@castledepress I work from home and will be remotely teaching my grandson / work / holding on by a thread starting next week. I made myself leave the house tonight to have a different surrounding other than these walls. It was only a trip to Publix but then I walked through a couple of other stores and nobody was really in them which was better for me. If I stay in the house too long trying to fake the funk I create more anxiety for myself. It's hard to hold all of these relationships and work on myself to better my emotions and all the above. That is a lot to juggle for any of us. I have such a stressful job and most days just take naps to get away from my job, I shut down and get mad at myself for feeling so won over on. Ugh....nothing feels right lately. It's poop. 

What do you do for a living?

I look at the conversations here and I feel like my depression  isn't so bad compared to others, but then again I am a person who needs to be with people who suffers from depression to. Just to talk or listen 

Sometimes I cry in my room and wonder why god put me earth just for me to feel this way and get treated this way 

I sometimes think I’ve been rejected some many times I don’t think there’s hope for me. This girl I was friends with we’re not friends anymore she would going around ask random boys to date me as a joke and she would say cause she ugly and they would be like nah they don’t want a girlfriend  and she would be like stop lying you know she ugly and every time some say they want to get me with somebody I think her those times she did that to me and I tell them no like I want a relationship but I’m to damaged and I feel like I’m not worthy of being with somebody it seem like ever since my brother died my life has gone down hill I been mentally and sometimes physically abused